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It was like unrequited love all over again, when I finally decided to accept the fact that my long-awaited trip to Vietnam won’t materialize. 💔

Travel is the only luxury I allow myself to indulge  into. Given my current employment status/my salary, it is indeed a luxury. I always try my best to make ends meet with my modest income, the bills I have to pay, my needs (sometimes wants) and other responsibilities upon my shoulder without jeopardizing my cherished budget for travelling.

I started to save as early as the start of 2016 since we booked our flight at the first quarter of the year (March 8 to be exact).Every time I have that urge to travel out-of-town, I would fight it with all my might thinking that I would spend an entire 8 days in Hanoi (Vietnam) anyway. I would tell myself that it would be an awesome trip so it’s worth the wait.Yes! We booked the flight for 8 days because we initially planned to cross broader to Laos, but eventually realized that we would not be able to bear the 20 hours ride given that it’s also in a foreign country so we finally gave up on that idea.

Longer travel time is synonymous to higher expenses, which means I need to level up my budget for this trip. I diligently saved money. I looked for different ways to earn extra income which was so unsteady, dedicated myself to overtime whenever I get the chance to do so. I have tightened my expenses as much as possible. Joining a giveaway on Instagram was quite helpful too!;)

Before I knew it October came without a sound. I was so busy with everything that is going on around me, plus the extra hustles that I put my self through and I didn’t realize that it’s a month before our trip and we are still Unprepared! Not with my travel money at least but with the fact that we still don’t have an accommodation,no itinerary and most of all no OOTD. 😱

Slowly the feeling of sadness crept in. But,I refused to dwell on the fact that there was a 90% chance this trip wont happen anymore. I still held on to the 10% possibility that it will. I cheered myself by looking at the photos of possible tourist spots that we could visit, Instagram and blog posts too. I browsed my closet for possible outfit knowing it’s winter in Vietnam by the time we visit. I saw the coat I bought last June with my friend. And then, it hit me again. Where did all our excitement go? When did it started to be a bother instead of anticipation? I really don’t know, all I know is that my supposed travel buddy won’t be able to make it anymore. Then, a slight tore in my heart was heard as I held on that coat and reminiscing the supposed plan we had. I snapped back to reality and prepared an itinerary the next day. (Note: it was already the second week of October 2016).

The itinerary I prepared has three versions. I came up with plan A, B and C just to show how eager I was to travel no matter what. Plan A was the original 8 days with my friend with a possible overnight trip to Ha Long Bay, Trang Ahn, Sapa or Ho Chi Minh.  Plan B was a solo Itinerary for 8 days without any travel outside Hanoi since it’s my first solo travel abroad and I don’t want to make my  mother all worried with the idea.  Plan C was a 5 days trip with the hopes of cancelling my flight and scheduling it 3 days earlier so there would be a higher possibility that my friend could come with me. But soon enough all this plans fell apart. I immediately scrapped plan C after I confirmed that moving my flight would cost me more than half of what I could spend for this entire trip(Twelve Thousand Php to be exact, for a one way ticket!). Eventually tossing aside Plan B on the list too when I realized that 8 days would be too much if I will just stay in Hanoi given the fact that I am all alone too. I can’t even fill day 5 to day 8 of my itinerary. As with plan A, I never heard from my friend. And so I took a deep breath, halt, closed my eyes and prepared myself for the full crack of my heart…

it ain’t over til its over – Yogi Berra 

Stumbled upon this song on Spotify and fell in love with it. I loved how Kacy sang it with peculiarity and ease plus the rhythm is very soothing despite its painful lyrics. oh! don’t even get me started with the lyrics. Instead, I posted the lyrics below and just highlighted the part I truly liked (I could have highlighted the entire song!haha)

  I hope you guys enjoy this song as much as I do.

 

[Verse 1]
You come and go and you’ll stay as you please
Convinced a moment’s time is all that I need
These temporary highs can’t make me believe
That your feelings are true

[Pre-Chorus]
Holding out your hand
While you turn your head
I don’t want half of your love
Empty words you’ve said
Bare unraveled thread
You know it’s never enough

[Chorus]
You can’t love me this way
You can’t keep me in chains
You can’t lead me astray
From an arm’s length away

[Verse 2]
You search for breathing space while I’m undersea
Tell me to wait so you can sort through your needs
Keep leaving trails that you’ll follow to me
I can’t let you get through

[Pre-Chorus]
Holding out your hand
While you turn your head
I don’t want half of your love
Empty words you’ve said
Bare unraveled thread
You know it’s never enough

[Chorus]
You can’t love me this way
You can’t keep me in chains
You can’t lead me astray
From an arm’s length away

[Bridge]
Your absence won’t define me now
Held up my end with breath I’ve found
Surrendered time to solid ground, solid ground

[Chorus]
You can’t love me this way
You can’t keep me in chains
You can’t lead me astray
From an arm’s length away
You can’t love me this way
You can’t keep me in chains
You can’t lead me astray
From an arm’s length away
You can’t love me this way
You can’t keep me in chains

 

 

 

 

The song is ultimately about realizing your own self worth and understanding that you can’t give all of yourself to someone that only wants to give so much of themselves to you. – Kacy Hill

Saan kumakapit ang makikinang na bagay?

Sa ilalim ng matamong mapupungay

Saan nananatili ang kislap ng mga tala?

Sa bawat patak ng lihim mong mga luha

Ang liwanag ng iyong puso

Nag kukubli sa damdaming pilit na tinatago

Sumisilip sa maiilap mong mga ngiti

Kaya saan nagsisimula ang pagsikat ng araw?

Doon

Doon kung saan may isang ikaw.

 

I came to learn that you can never rush your way into moving on.

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For me it was a slow process (no actually slow is an understatement for what it really was) more like turtle steps.

Enduring every inch you take wishing that tomorrow you will be closer to throwing that huge rock stock on your chest or that heavy house on your back. And every day you are wishing that you would be able to stand straight again, but you will never be, at least not yet…

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You will wake up each morning feeling worst that it was yesterday. But you will get up because you have to get up and you must get up.

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Don’t force yourself to smile if you don’t feel like it.

Don’t talk if you just want to keep it to yourself.

Don’t force yourself to dress up, be sloppy and look trashy if you want to.

Don’t put your make up on

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Don’t even comb your hair if you don’t feel like it, thinking it’s a waste of time cause you don’t need to look good cause you are not feeling any better anyway…at least not now, not yet…

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And you don’t owe anyone an explanation, why you look that way, why you act that way.

You are the one who carries your own pain.

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What other people say is the very least of the million other myriad of concerns clouding your mind at the moment. You are the one who carries your own pain, every slit in your vain, every stab in your heart, the swirls in your intestine; everything that is happening inside you is all yours to endure! You own every bit of the pain and they don’t have any idea about it. What they see in you right now is not even an inch closer to what you really feel inside.

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A glimpse of pain is all they ever going to get. People will say they understand but you know that somehow they really don’t.They will say you’ll get over it,like its as simple as spitting out a gum after your chew and sucked every minty sweetness it had.

So,when they say they know, they understand, they get it, that you’ll get over it, it will be gone sooner or later, that you will be fine…remember that it’s okay to convince yourself that it’s not! Well not yet…

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So while you are at it, be shitty, be emotional, hate love song, rom-com, love and anything attached to it. Hate the lovers on the street, the holding-hands couple at the park, hate all the crap you see around you and most of all hate yourself for daring to fall in love.

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Loathe every part of it.

Then cry, every night or even day.

Cry with all your heart

Cry like you are going to cough your lungs out

Cry every minute and every moment that you feel like crying. But then grab a hold of those small pauses in-between your endless howling and take a tiny step. A very tiny step to move, from that soaked place you currently drenching yourself into, just a little step and you will get there…

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I swear you will

If you love deeper, moving on would be longer and letting go would seem impossible…feel the iffy pain till it hurts no more. Once you went through everything and endured it all, the rest will be just be a piece of cake. Trust me my friend that huge rock that once burdened your fluffy heart will eventually be a shrinking stone that would let you know it’s there once in a while but it wont bother you anymore…never.

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(feat Box Man) all photo credits to google images. :)

I wrote this sometime in 2013, it was when I was at the peak of being Idealistic.It was that time when I thought I could do everything that I wanted to do, be who I wanted to be(though it was unclear). I was overwhelmed with dreams and asprirations to the point of being unrealistic and then eventaully realizing that it was not an easy path. So I was conqured by frustration and pessimism.


The path was clear

Wind blows

Crows flew

Velvet Avenue

I thought everything was true

 

Dawn it came

Abrupt change crept inside

I was unable to hide

Tormented, I fold

At the verge

Besieged

When the darkness came

Consumed me

In the abyss

I was oblivious

 

Same path

New destination

No longer north

Reversed

Blurry Blot

There was a girl, who wanted a tattoo so bad.

She wanted a tattoo but she don’t  know where.

She doesn’t know because she was uncertain of so many things.

What if it doesn’t look good on her?

Will she be judged for having a tattoo on her skin?

What would people say? Will they like it? or not?

Would it be annoying?would it be okay or  a turn-off?

They might not like her with a tattoo? or will it give a wrong impression?

Will it hurt? Can she bear the pain?

What if she changed her mind after several years? All sorts of thoughts have already crossed her mind and most of them are pessimism.

So the girl who really wanted a tattoo came up with an idea. She will definitely get a tattoo but it would be inked somewhere she could choose either show or hide it.

The tattoo artist was starting to get tired of waiting. He was waiting for quite sometime now. He was waiting from the moment she decided to get inked, when she uncertain of too many things, until now that she is trying to figure out where to put the tattoo. The artist kept of waiting and waiting for the moment he will finally be able to draw his masterpiece into her skin.

He was already holding the needle.

She was still thinking. Where will she put it? It should be somewhere she can see it and hide it at the same time. It shouldn’t be visible even with her clothes off.

Time passed as she just kept on thinking again and again.

Uncertain, unsure

Then, she saw the space between her thumb and point finger. It was a small space,but larger than the other spaces between her fingers. It was perfect!

But the tattoo artist who she needed most, was already gone.

The girl woke up with unfathomable sadness and she knew why. Everything was clear. It was a dream and an awakening.

That Song 

Im that song you play when you are sad which gives you the illusion that you are alright but really you’re not but for a matter of three to five minutes that you listened to me you were actually convinced that you felt better and like a passing music you listen to when you’re down it lifted you up somehow that you have forgotten you are in pain cause its melody already took you somewhere else you don’t know if it was a distant memory a make believe reality or one of the million forgotten awesome dreams you had all you know is that somehow those monsters in your head have momentarily settled in ataxia and that shuddering tide crashing through your chest has finally calmed down

Im that song you played on repeat just because you cant get enough of me for each words fill up some part of that chasm in your soul and its never enough cause Im that Sara Bareilles song she called Gravity that kept you up all night crying over and over again the moment you hear the line something always brings me back to you cause hell yeah something always do either its the smell of the guy who just smoked standing next to you the noise you make while sipping with straw the last drop of cola on an ice filled glass the sudden thunder in broad day light or that file of dust stuck between your keyboard the simplest of things the silliest of them all and it always brings you back to him and so you crawl yourself to bed with blanket up to your neck your knee high up to your chin like a fetus in her mother’s womb wishing you were born all over and that falling in love with that person never happened but then you play that song all over again and again….